I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
