They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
