I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Randomize
