My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize
