Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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