So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize