I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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