I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I just want to make out with him forever
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
