so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
