I hate your face
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
my being single is dangerous.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
