my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Houston, we have a blender
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
