Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
