I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
