and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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