In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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