Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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