mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
