Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
