I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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