after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
