Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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