Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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