My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
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