I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
