Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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