we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Randomize
