I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
