i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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