I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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