and you said cock pushups were impossible
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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