I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
