I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
