Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
