Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
