I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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