she woke up with a sticky ear
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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