He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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