Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
