I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
