So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
