Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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