chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Randomize
