I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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