Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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