Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
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