Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
