Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
