I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
