trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
so much tequila, so little girl.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
