wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
