similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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