all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
