There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
