my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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