A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
