Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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