I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
