please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
