Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
