I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
